Hi All!
The universe whispers to us when change is needed. If we don’t listen, the whisper turns to a normal speaking voice. If we still don’t listen, the universe uses its outside voice. And if we still don’t listen, it’s likely to scream at us and even deliver a harsh slap across the face as a side dish!
I’ve been delivered the side dish and it wasn’t very tasty!!
On Friday, I lost my second job in a row. The third in five years. I never thought I’d say that. I’m smart, I’m educated, I have a strong work ethic and I get along with my colleagues.
I finally get it—thanks universe! I am just not suited to working a 9-to-5 job. I was meant to work for myself. I was meant to write books in my own time and in my own way. I just can’t be what I’m not anymore.
The problem is, although I’m meant to work for myself, I don’t have good administrative skills, which you need to have in a business. Been there, done that. I don’t care about “the books” or updating databases. What I LOVE is to write and public speak/greet. That’s what I’m great at and that’s what I should be doing.
But the reality is, I have to be able to sustain myself. Money comes in handy for keeping roofs over heads and food in bellies!! And I have my husband to consider. He wants me to be my best, but he’d also like to see us stay afloat. Thus, I take on communications contracts (often I like them, but it’s not my heart’s desire) that will allow me to save enough so I can take time off to finish my first book.
At this point, I can sustain myself for a couple of months and I believe my book can be done if I work full time for two months on it. I’m self-disciplined and can make this happen. But it means that I can’t work a full time “regular” job at the same time.
I also know the route I need to take is with an agent. Self-publishing isn’t for me—I know the detailed work that goes into it and I haven’t got it in me. I simply haven’t got the skills. I’m done with feeling like a failure because I’m trying to do stuff I’m just not good at!
So, I need an agent. I’ve done my homework and have a list of agents who might be interested in my work, however I also know (from research) that I can’t submit until I am completely finished the manuscript.
What I don’t know is how long it can take for the review of my manuscript and, more importantly, when I might get paid for my work. I haven’t been able to glean that from my research. I don’t know how long I can sustain myself after the two month mark.
This is where the fear kicks in. I came from a family with very little money and I don’t want to go there again. And what if I can’t sell my book. I don’t want to lose my house and the few small things I own. AND I fear failing at the one thing I’ve always thought I was meant to do. What if my dream is not my reality???
And what if I do sell my book? Will I become “too big for my britches”, like my father always said. The People-With-Money-Are-Evil Syndrome. I’m torn. Most of me doesn’t care what my family thinks, but this small part is still the child who wants her family’s approval.
And yet most of me knows that I’m a fine writer—as good as many of the best-selling authors out there—who can see a positive future for herself. It sooo frustrating!! My brain/heart aches!
Here’s what I know for sure: I don’t want to sabotage myself anymore. I’ve been doing it way too long. The truth is, I’m exhausted from making the effort to sabotage myself!! Isn’t that crazy?!! Sabotage takes a lot of work! I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ANY MORE!
This is where I could use some mentoring. I have good support around me, but I could really use someone who can help me through these fears as I take this huge leap of faith. AND I could use a business mentor who can help me work through the business of selling a book.
I feel like once I’ve worked through the fear of failure/success once, the books that follow will come easily. I know myself very well and when I’m able to overcome a difficult, I then work to conquer it entirely. Within a year, I can see my series of children’s charity books come to life. I’ve written 2: I think I could have 6 written.
Mark, I so need your help. I know I can do a lot on my own. But I also know when to ask for help. I know what I’m meant to do. I know this square peg doesn’t want to try fitting into the round hole anymore. I know the time is NOW for change.
Thanks to a little push from the universe and some mentoring from you and your team, I can see it happening. When I am able to share my best self, I will naturally inspire others to do the same.
Life Changer, Tracy
Tracy's This Is Your Life Change 